Having the time of her life.

My friend Fraser lost his phone recently and has been without one for a few weeks. The other day he finally decided to borrow my dad's girlfriend's old phone, seeing as she got a new one at Christmas. He's been getting on okay with it, but was yet to receive a call to it until today when someone rang him while he was standing in a busy chip shop queue. What we forgot to tell him was my dad's girlfriend is an avid ABBA fan and her ringtone just so happened to be the timeless camp classic 'Dancing Queen'. Let's just say whoever was 'watching that scene' probably found themselves cringing for him.

Your mum.

On Wednesdays I like to go out with some friends of mine. One of those friends is Cheryl. Cheryl is 33 and I met her through an ex. She's one of the coolest girls I know and I am good friends with her and her sister, Lorraine. Cheryl and Lorraine went shopping together recently at the supermarket and while waiting in the check out queue they saw a lady wearing what Cheryl described as a "hideous" jacket standing a few people in front of them. Cheryl really detested this jacket to the extent that she quite loudly communicated her dislike to Lorraine: "Who would wear something so awful... Seriously, that jacket is foul... Who let her go out like that?" Eventually the woman overheard and turned round. It was at this point Cheryl and Lorraine realised the woman was their mum.

Tipping the scales.

I went into uni today to meet some people I'm doing a group presentation with. We had a meeting with our tutor and we decided to get a lift to the relevant floor. There are only two lifts in our building and they take forever. Not only this, but if there are too many people in the lift, an automated voice informs you so and normally everyone looks at the fat person. So my group got in the lift and so did one other, slightly larger girl. The lift doors wouldn't close, but there was no voice announcement. I said to my group that maybe there was too many people in the lift. The other random girl said "I don't think that's it. Normally it tells you if there's too many people." Yet still, the doors would not close. The girl, in an effort to prove that it wasn't because the load was too heavy, stepped out of the lift briefly. Immediately the doors closed in her face and we were taken to our floor.

Assumption makes an ass out of the waitress.

My friend Kate went for dinner recently with some friends at a restaurant. After sorting out who was paying what, Kate paid and left the change for her friend in her vacant seat as her friend had gone to use the toilet. When the waitress arrived with the order she started picking up the change, assuming it was a tip for herself for doing such a damn fine job of bringing the plates over. After collecting the majority of pennies she looked up to see the whole table looking at her in shared confusion. ”Oh, is this not for me?” she asked. ”No, it’s my friend’s change” replied Kate. The waitress went bright red and disappeared into the kitchen.

Julia and the landlord.

Kate has a housemate.  Her name is Julia and she goes to the same university as us.  She can be very shy about some things and is shocked very easily.  This is why we love her.  She’s always fun to talk to about risqué topics because she gets so nervous about it.  The other night she was lying in bed and tweeting, as one might do occasionally.  Her phone is touchscreen, so when she laid down to go to sleep her thumb accidentally dialled the landlord of the house they’re staying in.  This was in the early hours of the  morning and the landlord is a middle-aged, humourless man.  He answered the phone probably thinking it was some emergency with the house only to hear Julia’s heavy breathing.  He sat and listened to this for around 30 seconds before hanging up.  He texted Julia in the morning to ask what it was all about.  Needless to say, she was mortified.

Customer satisfaction.

I am a third year English and Media student, but I also work part-time in a café within a homestore. Recently a couple was caught while getting intimate in the car park, which became the talk of the store between all the staff. My friend came to meet me when my shift ended and I told him all about the incident. We then both decided we needed the toilet and decided to use the customer ones. While I was in my cubicle I heard someone getting into the cubicle next door. Within seconds the room was filled with moans of “oh yeah, oh yeah” in a voice not unlike that of a gremlin. Thinking it was my friend poking fun at the earlier incident, I called out “what the hell are you doing?” only for it to continue: “Oh yeah, oh yeah.” Again, I asked “what the hell are you doing?!” and it carried on. Still thinking it was my friend, I jumped up at the partition separating our cubicles to peer over only to catch an eyeful of a very old man vigorously masturbating, moaning “oh yeah, oh yeah.” I’ve never fled somewhere so quickly in my life!  Now my colleagues constantly shout out “oh, yeah!” when they see me.